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10-11-12  11:02am - 686 days #101
Cybertoad (104)
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Posts: 2,025
Registered: Jan 01, '08
Location: Wash
What women would do if they had a penis for a day?

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

10-11-12  11:05am - 686 days #102
Cybertoad (104)
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Posts: 2,025
Registered: Jan 01, '08
Location: Wash
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"


"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

10-11-12  03:38pm - 686 days #103
graymane (31)
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Posts: 1,341
Registered: Feb 20, '10
Location: Virginia
Reminder to our gay friends out there:
You know there's a law on the books wherein you can be charged for "following too close."

10-16-12  10:22am - 681 days #104
Joseph20 (0)
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Posts: 20
Registered: Oct 15, '12
Location: Nagpur/MH, India
Good to know about the Italian friend on Bus.

10-19-12  07:51am - 678 days #105
pat362 (367)
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Posts: 2,916
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
1-A woman has sued her local hospital saying that after treating her husband recently, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied:

“The man was admitted in Ophthalmology, all we did was correct his eyesight."


2-The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
hug her mother, saying,

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

3-One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman..

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defence.

'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

4-Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'

They are knocked over, but continue to ask.'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

5-Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through

the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'

She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered,' They send us on bus tours! Long live the Brown Coats.

10-20-12  12:15am - 678 days #106
Micha (1)
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Posts: 295
Registered: Jul 04, '10
Location: san jose ca
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with these backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.

I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

As I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.

Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,

"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for thirty years."

Apparently, I was still lost... It's a guy thing. unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.

11-08-12  07:45am - 658 days #107
Khan
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Posts: 1,592
Registered: Jan 05, '07
Location: USA
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring. The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Sure, I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock, and I was just wondering if you were my son." Senior Administrator
PornUsers.com

"Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world."-R. D. Lang

11-08-12  10:58am - 658 days #108
Cybertoad (104)
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Posts: 2,025
Registered: Jan 01, '08
Location: Wash
Originally Posted by Khan:


An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring. The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Sure, I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock, and I was just wondering if you were my son."


LOL that's pretty funny ! Never heard that one before.

11-08-12  09:35pm - 658 days #109
Toadsith (48)
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Posts: 811
Registered: Dec 07, '07
Location: Ogdensburg, NY USA
I hadn't checked this thread recently, a number of good new ones I'll have to add to my mental archive of jokes "I'm not a number, I'm a free man!" ¡ Updated Link with Live Video filmed in Copenhagen in 1967 !

Second Grand Order Poobah in the Loyal Order of the Water Buffalo

11-10-12  10:06am - 656 days #110
Cybertoad (104)
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Posts: 2,025
Registered: Jan 01, '08
Location: Wash
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,

"A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"

11-10-12  10:08am - 656 days #111
Cybertoad (104)
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Posts: 2,025
Registered: Jan 01, '08
Location: Wash
Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out

14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA.

13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man.

12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere."

11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45,000 points.

10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again."

9) Your cyberlover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.

Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.

7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms.

6) You can barely make out your SO's face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats.

5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company.

4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant.

3) She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian.com

2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious "tubby@whitehouse.gov"

1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be.

11-21-12  09:52am - 645 days #112
Cybertoad (104)
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Posts: 2,025
Registered: Jan 01, '08
Location: Wash
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

11-21-12  09:58am - 645 days #113
Cybertoad (104)
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Posts: 2,025
Registered: Jan 01, '08
Location: Wash
A Holiday Poem

'Twas the night before Christmas, and wow it was neat

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.

And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

11-21-12  10:03am - 645 days #114
Cybertoad (104)
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Posts: 2,025
Registered: Jan 01, '08
Location: Wash
Caught Speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

11-21-12  06:32pm - 645 days #115
messmer (137)
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Posts: 2,512
Registered: Sep 12, '07
Location: Canada
^ Great joke, CT. I loved it!

11-23-12  10:50am - 643 days #116
Cybertoad (104)
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Posts: 2,025
Registered: Jan 01, '08
Location: Wash

11-23-12  10:51am - 643 days #117
Cybertoad (104)
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Posts: 2,025
Registered: Jan 01, '08
Location: Wash
Once a sailor...always a sailor

Baptist Preacher was seated next to a Sailor on a flight to Norfolk.

After the plane took off, the Sailor asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The Sailor then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

11-23-12  10:53am - 643 days #118
Cybertoad (104)
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Posts: 2,025
Registered: Jan 01, '08
Location: Wash
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today!

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG two years ago, you would
have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers three years ago,
you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund,
you would have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily & recycle.

It is called the 401-Keg.

And as a bonus...

A recent study found that the
average American walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41
miles to the gallon!

Makes you darned proud to be an American

11-23-12  10:54am - 643 days #119
Cybertoad (104)
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Posts: 2,025
Registered: Jan 01, '08
Location: Wash
GRoaner:

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him he hears: Bump... BUMP... BUMP... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... and, (hopefully you're ready for this!!!) the coffin stops!

12-04-12  11:24pm - 632 days #120
Micha (1)
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Posts: 295
Registered: Jul 04, '10
Location: san jose ca
Since the dawn of time the origin of the human species has been debated.


It is clear to me that humans were designed an implemented by a civil engineer


Who else would place a recreation area in such proximity to a waste disposal site? unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.

08-11-13  08:02am - 382 days #122
pat362 (367)
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Posts: 2,916
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering
last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.




The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that mess again!" Long live the Brown Coats.

08-11-13  08:19am - 382 days #123
pat362 (367)
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Posts: 2,916
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on
and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars..... See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .
Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS. Long live the Brown Coats.

08-11-13  08:25am - 382 days #124
Cybertoad (104)
Active User



Posts: 2,025
Registered: Jan 01, '08
Location: Wash
Originally Posted by pat362:


A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."



The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that mess again!"



08-11-13  08:27am - 382 days #125
Cybertoad (104)
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Posts: 2,025
Registered: Jan 01, '08
Location: Wash
Would be nice if we had a like option to agree with or like a post even when you don't have a response. seen other forums do it and is kinda fun.

08-11-13  04:44pm - 382 days #126
Drooler (218)
Active User



Posts: 1,681
Registered: Mar 11, '07
Location: USA
Originally Posted by pat362:


To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity


1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on
and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars..... See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .
Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend
Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot,
Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy,
We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY,
GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.


I like these ideas. They make life less dull. Another one is to stand on a street as though you're waiting for something and keep muttering to yourself things like, "What? Oh, man! NO! Look man, just cut it out, OK? I'm not gonna do that. Listen man, I just said ..." If you ask me, God gave us sex, and the Devil gave us STD's--not the other way around.

There's a Fuck My Ass 2 ? A sequel? I wonder how it compares to the original ...

08-12-13  07:49am - 381 days #127
thirstyfish (0)
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Posts: 22
Registered: May 20, '13
A guy walks into a cocktail lounge. He's lugging a large trunk. He walks up to the bar, selects a stool and sits down. The guy puts the trunk on the bar. He opens it and removes a brass lantern, a miniature piano, and a little ten inch man dressed in concert attire. The guy arranges them on the bar.

The little man walks over to the piano, sits down, shoots his cuffs, and starts playing beautiful music. The ten inch pianist is a virtuoso.

The bartender walks up to the guy and says, "That's incredible! This is the most wonderful piano music I've ever heard. Where did you get a miniature piano and a ten inch piano player?"

"This", says the guy holding up the brass lantern, "is a magic lantern. With it you can make a single wish."

"Look, mister, could I make a wish on your magic lantern?", says the bartender.

"Sure, go ahead. But you've got to be careful and state your wish very clearly, otherwise the lantern will get confused", says the guy.

The bartender pauses, thinks, and says, "Okay. I wish for a million bucks".

There's silence for a moment, then the sound of quacking gets louder and louder, and finally a huge flock of ducks waddles into the bar.

"What the hell?", says the bartender, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The guy replies, "Well, do you really think I wished for a ten inch pianist?". Porn happens because a large number of things amazingly fail to go wrong.

08-16-13  03:55pm - 377 days #128
jupiter4686 (0)
Active User

Posts: 26
Registered: Aug 12, '13
hahahaha gud 1.....

10-12-13  09:00am - 320 days #129
pat362 (367)
Active User



Posts: 2,916
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
ALASKAN HUMOUR

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad News first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
.
.
.

The trooper replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow. Long live the Brown Coats.

11-02-13  12:38am - 300 days #130
Capn (28)
Active User



Posts: 1,697
Registered: Sep 05, '09
Location: Near the Beer!
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the Greatest Gunfighter in the world.
He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't first-rate yet, thinking there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.
The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer,
bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

That's terrific!" said the cowboy,
"Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it.That'll give you a smoother draw."
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cuff link off the piano
player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here! Got anymore tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.
"See that grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old timer, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."


Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award
Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award
( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/
Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder!

11-02-13  11:18am - 299 days #131
HeatherMcXxx (10)
Active User



Posts: 73
Registered: Jul 30, '07
Location: Providence, RI
Originally Posted by pat362:


The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that mess again!"


Now *that's* funny! "Whoever has the vagina is in charge." - Megan Fox

11-02-13  12:29pm - 299 days #132
Drooler (218)
Active User



Posts: 1,681
Registered: Mar 11, '07
Location: USA
A porn-flick title idea: Cunt Crackula If you ask me, God gave us sex, and the Devil gave us STD's--not the other way around.

There's a Fuck My Ass 2 ? A sequel? I wonder how it compares to the original ...

11-03-13  03:37pm - 298 days #133
Carter (0)
Active Webmaster


Posts: 69
Registered: Oct 23, '13
Location: Canada
hahaha a classic! Everyone loves the pussy: http://www.skeet-skeet-skeet.com/

11-03-13  05:05pm - 298 days #134
pat362 (367)
Active User



Posts: 2,916
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
Originally Posted by Drooler:


A porn-flick title idea: Cunt Crackula


The French version is: Comte Craque ton Cue La. Which more or less translates as: crack your ass there. Long live the Brown Coats.

11-08-13  05:54am - 294 days #135
graymane (31)
Active User



Posts: 1,341
Registered: Feb 20, '10
Location: Virginia
I'm a great lover.....
Why? because I practice a lot on myself.

11-09-13  09:12pm - 292 days #137
Khan
PornUsers Staff




Posts: 1,592
Registered: Jan 05, '07
Location: USA
With one look at his voluptuous new patient, all the gynecologist's professional ethics went right out the window.

Instucting her to undress completely, he began to stroke the soft skin of her inner thigh.

"Do you know what I'm doing?" he asked softly.

"Checking for any dermatological abnormalities, right?"

"Right," crooned the doctor, beginning to fondle her breasts and gently pinch her nipples. "And now?"

"Looking for any lumps that might be cancerous."

"Right you are," reassured the doctor, placing her feet in the stirrups, pulling out his penis, and entering her. "And do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yup," she said looking down, "Catching herpes." Senior Administrator
PornUsers.com

"Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world."-R. D. Lang

11-10-13  08:30am - 291 days #138
pat362 (367)
Active User



Posts: 2,916
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
^Now that's a funny joke. Long live the Brown Coats.

12-13-13  10:00am - 258 days #141
Khan
PornUsers Staff




Posts: 1,592
Registered: Jan 05, '07
Location: USA
a little levity for this Friday the 13th ...
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Socrates - The Great Philosopher
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance. The acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the 'Triple Filter Test'."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to say to me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued,

"You may still pass the test, though, because there is a third filter -- the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife. Senior Administrator
PornUsers.com

"Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world."-R. D. Lang

01-08-14  12:25pm - 232 days #142
Capn (28)
Active User



Posts: 1,697
Registered: Sep 05, '09
Location: Near the Beer!
A young Law student, having failed one of his Law exams,
goes up to his crusty old professor,
who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything
about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do.
Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question.
If you can give me the correct answer,
I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't
give me the correct answer, however,
you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical,
logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain,
but just can't crack the answer.
Finally he gives up and changes the student's
failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student
goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all
afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a
group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really,
really tough question to answer:
"What is legal but not logical, logical
but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students
immediately raised their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to
answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years
old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not
logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical,
but not legal.
And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've
just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award
Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award
( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/
Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder!

01-08-14  02:42pm - 232 days #143
Khan
PornUsers Staff




Posts: 1,592
Registered: Jan 05, '07
Location: USA
haha .. good one. Thanks for the smiles Senior Administrator
PornUsers.com

"Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world."-R. D. Lang

01-21-14  08:17pm - 219 days #144
Micha (1)
Active User

Posts: 295
Registered: Jul 04, '10
Location: san jose ca
What does a Polish woman receive on her wedding night that is long and hard?
















A new last name. unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.

01-30-14  09:09am - 210 days #145
Capn (28)
Active User



Posts: 1,697
Registered: Sep 05, '09
Location: Near the Beer!
I got into a lift this morning, followed by a rather attractive blonde girl with a large bust.

She said, "Would you press 1?"



I don't remember much else...



Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award
Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award
( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/
Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder!

01-30-14  02:28pm - 210 days #146
Cybertoad (104)
Active User



Posts: 2,025
Registered: Jan 01, '08
Location: Wash
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up" she purred, "and you can do anything you want."









So he tied her up and went golfing.

01-30-14  02:30pm - 210 days #147
Cybertoad (104)
Active User



Posts: 2,025
Registered: Jan 01, '08
Location: Wash
Ivana has been married to Bart for a while now, yet she is so horny that every time her husband goes away on a business trip, she invites not one, not two, but three men to come over and play hide the snake.

One time when her husband was leaving for a business trip, she had three men lined up to come over right away. However, this time Bart forgot his passport at home so he had to rush back as fast as he could.

When Ivana heard the door open, she told all the men to hide somewhere. The first guy hid under the bed, the second in the closet and the third out on the balcony.

Bart walks into the room and sees his wife standing naked and asks, "Ivana? Why are you naked?"

She immediately claims that she was changing into her PJs for a quick nap. But then Bart hears something under the bed. He finds the first guy under the bed and exclaims, "Who the hell are you? And what are you doing here???"

The guy pulls a fast one and says "I'm a carpenter, and your wife sent for me to come and fix the bed... it's fine now."

Bart sighs and says, "Okay, how much do I owe you?"

Bart gives the man $20, as he requested, and tells him to get the hell out of his sight.

He then opens up the closet to get his passport from the drawer and sees yet another guy.

"Who the hell are you???" he shouts.

"Your wife sent me to come and fix the closet because it had some loose hinges on the inside," he proclaims.

Bart just sighs it off again and says, "Okay, here's $20, now get the hell out of my sight!"

While all this is going on, the man outside on the balcony is looking through the window and all he sees is Ivana's husband giving these guys some money.

So wanting his share as well, he barges through the balcony door blurting, "I was sleeping with her too! I was sleeping with her too!"

01-30-14  02:33pm - 210 days #148
Cybertoad (104)
Active User



Posts: 2,025
Registered: Jan 01, '08
Location: Wash
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you have to help me!"
The doctor asks, "What's your problem?"
The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'...give
the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boning. For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing.
Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the wife another screw......."

"So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem???"





The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"

01-31-14  09:19am - 209 days #149
Khan
PornUsers Staff




Posts: 1,592
Registered: Jan 05, '07
Location: USA
In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."

"Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes."

"Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?""

"Now tell me, what the f*#k would you say?" Senior Administrator
PornUsers.com

"Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world."-R. D. Lang

01-31-14  12:10pm - 209 days #150
Cybertoad (104)
Active User



Posts: 2,025
Registered: Jan 01, '08
Location: Wash
Originally Posted by Khan:


In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde.



Heard this one before but still made me laugh .

02-19-14  10:08am - 190 days #151
Khan
PornUsers Staff




Posts: 1,592
Registered: Jan 05, '07
Location: USA
A drunk gets up from a bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts." With that the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!" Senior Administrator
PornUsers.com

"Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world."-R. D. Lang

02-19-14  02:54pm - 190 days #152
RagingBuddhist (63)
Active User



Posts: 835
Registered: Jan 23, '07
A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the men's room. It's crowded, but he finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after the long flight and many drinks.

The man at the urinal next to his says, "You're Jewish?"
"Yes."

"You come from Sudbury?"
"Yes."

"Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?"
"Yes," he says. "But I don't think I know you. How do you know so much about me?"

The man next to him replies, "Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel is the only Rabbi I know that performs circumcisions by cutting at an angle. And you're pissing on my shoe!" Arguing with some people is like trying to play chess with a pigeon - it knocks the pieces over, shits all over the board, then flies back to its flock to claim victory.

02-19-14  06:25pm - 190 days #153
graymane (31)
Active User



Posts: 1,341
Registered: Feb 20, '10
Location: Virginia
Bartender sets down another drink ordered by a sad looking customer seated at the end of the bar.
"Anything you wanna talk about, sir? Got something you wanna get off your chest?' ...."I got a good ear, and known for soothing my customers' worries", assured the bartender.

"Well, yes. now that you've asked, there is something bothering me", answered the customer.
Downing almost half his drink, the customer begins by telling the bartender that he'd just lost his wife.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, sir" ... I do hope she passed peacefully.
"I don't know", said the customer. The coroner established she died from eating poison mushrooms. "but", continued the customer as he lifted his glass ... then added that all was Okay, because he'd married again.
"Oh, I'm so happy for you!' smiled the bartender. I certainly hope things are going well for the both of you."
"Not really, my friend. She also passed away rather suddenly after eating poison mushrooms."
"My God! again. How awful", cried out a listener who'd joined in trying to comfort this unfortunate soul. You poor man, how miserable you must be from all that!"

"needn't despair, gentlemen! not long afterwards I met another lovely lady and married again."
After the jubilant applause ended by those who were within earshot, one piped up and declared a free drink was in order.

Taking in all this attention, the object of this confab spoke out: "Whoa, fellows! Before expressing so much glee over all this, I think I should tell you she too recently died.
Over the aftermath of dead silence, the Bartender broke in with "what? how? again with the poison mushrooms?
"No, responded the late husband ..... "this time it was from a broken neck."
Before the small gathering could get their wits together persuing the bartender's unexpected question, the queried customer paid the bartender, slid from the barstool, and as he was walking to the door, mumbled under his breath "glad that dammed nosy bartender never had the chance to ask me how she broke her neck. Hate to have told all those guys it was broken as a result of me physically forcing her to eat poison mushrooms."

02-20-14  07:47am - 189 days #154
Khan
PornUsers Staff




Posts: 1,592
Registered: Jan 05, '07
Location: USA
A nurse is giving a sponge bath to a woman in a coma, when she notices that, when she washes the patient's "private area," there is a response on the monitor. The nurse contacts the patient's husband and explains what happend, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides, it's worth a try; there's nothing to loose. The husband finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines-no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants, and says, "I think she choked." Senior Administrator
PornUsers.com

"Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world."-R. D. Lang

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