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| Porn Users Forum » Italian Friends on the Bus |
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| 10-11-12 11:02am - 222 days | #101 | |
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Cybertoad (92)
Active User  Posts: 1,554 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
What women would do if they had a penis for a day? 10. Get ahead faster in corporate America. 9. Get a blow job. 8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat. 7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal. 6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently. 5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm. 4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem. 3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks. 2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement. 1. Repeat number 9...... You can't fix stupid ! | |
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| 10-11-12 11:05am - 222 days | #102 | |
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Cybertoad (92)
Active User Posts: 1,554 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again." Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY! You can't fix stupid ! | |
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| 10-11-12 03:38pm - 222 days | #103 | |
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graymane (27)
Active User  Posts: 916 Registered: Feb 20, '10 Location: Virginia |
Reminder to our gay friends out there: You know there's a law on the books wherein you can be charged for "following too close." | |
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| 10-16-12 10:22am - 217 days | #104 | |
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Joseph20 (0)
Active User Posts: 20 Registered: Oct 15, '12 Location: Nagpur/MH, India |
Good to know about the Italian friend on Bus. | |
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| 10-19-12 07:51am - 215 days | #105 | |
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pat362 (333)
Active User  Posts: 2,489 Registered: Jan 23, '07 Location: canada |
1-A woman has sued her local hospital saying that after treating her husband recently, he has lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied: “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology, all we did was correct his eyesight." 2-The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying, 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!' 3-One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defence. 'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.' 4-Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask.'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.' 5-Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered,' They send us on bus tours! Long live the Brown Coats. | |
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| 10-20-12 12:15am - 214 days | #106 | |
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Micha (1)
Active User Posts: 242 Registered: Jul 04, '10 Location: san jose ca |
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with these backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. As I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for thirty years." Apparently, I was still lost... It's a guy thing. unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck. | |
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| 11-08-12 07:45am - 194 days | #107 | |
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Khan
PornUsers Staff  Posts: 1,342 Registered: Jan 05, '07 Location: USA |
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring. The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Sure, I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock, and I was just wondering if you were my son." Senior Administrator PornUsers.com | |
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| 11-08-12 10:58am - 194 days | #108 | |
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Cybertoad (92)
Active User Posts: 1,554 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
LOL that's pretty funny ! Never heard that one before.  You can't fix stupid ! | |
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| 11-08-12 09:35pm - 194 days | #109 | |
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Toadsith (48)
Active User  Posts: 806 Registered: Dec 07, '07 Location: Ogdensburg, NY USA |
I hadn't checked this thread recently, a number of good new ones I'll have to add to my mental archive of jokes  "I'm not a number, I'm a free man!"Second Grand Order Poobah in the Loyal Order of the Water Buffalo | |
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| 11-10-12 10:06am - 192 days | #110 | |
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Cybertoad (92)
Active User Posts: 1,554 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?" You can't fix stupid ! | |
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| 11-10-12 10:08am - 192 days | #111 | |
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Cybertoad (92)
Active User Posts: 1,554 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
Signs Your Online Relationship Isn't Working Out 14) You discover that "Chesty McBust" isn't her real name, and she's dialing in from Langley, VA. 13) You: Large, hairy man. Your online girlfriend: Large, hairy man. 12) Her postmaster rejects your e-mail not as "undeliverable" but as "unlikely to get you anywhere." 11) After months of shared experiences and emotional investments, she attacks you in the Mines of Quarn with a Vorpal Sword when she learns you're worth 45,000 points. 10) "Returned mail: User unknown and never wants to hear from you again." 9) Your cyberlover is just too busy editing that silly little Top 5 List.  Getting perhaps a bit too comfortable, she lets a reference to cutting her chin shaving slip by.7) You discover that she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms. 6) You can barely make out your SO's face in the JPEG she sent because she's obscured by her 25 cats. 5) He claims to be the richest man in the world, but his GIF looks like some geek who works for a software company. 4) Since her first e-mail, Make.Money.Fast!@cyber-promotions.com has become cold and distant. 3) She's suddenly changed her address to comingout@lesbian.com 2) Ken Starr launches an investigation into your relationship with the mysterious "tubby@whitehouse.gov" 1) In an ironic twist of fate, you discover that the object of your affection is a curvaceous 18 year old, rather than the geeky 14 year old boy she'd pretended to be. You can't fix stupid ! | |
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| 11-21-12 09:52am - 181 days | #112 | |
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Cybertoad (92)
Active User Posts: 1,554 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples." You can't fix stupid ! | |
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| 11-21-12 09:58am - 181 days | #113 | |
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Cybertoad (92)
Active User Posts: 1,554 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
A Holiday Poem 'Twas the night before Christmas, and wow it was neat The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude. Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite. And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied its bladder. I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, I'll just stay here awhile. He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention. A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil. This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split. He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch! The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out! You can't fix stupid ! | |
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| 11-21-12 10:03am - 181 days | #114 | |
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Cybertoad (92)
Active User Posts: 1,554 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
Caught Speeding Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding. Woman: Oh, I see. Officer: Can I see your license please? Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer: Don't have one? Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving. Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Woman: I can't do that. Officer: Why not? Woman: I stole this car. Officer: Stole it? Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer: You what? Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am? Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The first officer is stunned. Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too. You can't fix stupid ! | |
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| 11-21-12 06:32pm - 181 days | #115 | |
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messmer (137)
Active User  Posts: 2,315 Registered: Sep 12, '07 Location: Canada |
^ Great joke, CT. I loved it!  | |
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| 11-23-12 10:50am - 179 days | #116 | |
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Cybertoad (92)
Active User Posts: 1,554 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
 You can't fix stupid ! | |
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| 11-23-12 10:51am - 179 days | #117 | |
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Cybertoad (92)
Active User Posts: 1,554 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
Once a sailor...always a sailor Baptist Preacher was seated next to a Sailor on a flight to Norfolk. After the plane took off, the Sailor asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips." The Sailor then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice." You can't fix stupid ! | |
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| 11-23-12 10:53am - 179 days | #118 | |
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Cybertoad (92)
Active User Posts: 1,554 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today! If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG two years ago, you would have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers three years ago, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg. And as a bonus... A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you darned proud to be an American  You can't fix stupid ! | |
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| 11-23-12 10:54am - 179 days | #119 | |
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Cybertoad (92)
Active User Posts: 1,554 Registered: Jan 01, '08 Location: Wash |
GRoaner: A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him he hears: Bump... BUMP... BUMP... Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... and, (hopefully you're ready for this!!!) the coffin stops! You can't fix stupid ! | |
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| 12-04-12 11:24pm - 168 days | #120 | |
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Micha (1)
Active User Posts: 242 Registered: Jul 04, '10 Location: san jose ca |
Since the dawn of time the origin of the human species has been debated. It is clear to me that humans were designed an implemented by a civil engineer Who else would place a recreation area in such proximity to a waste disposal site? unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck. | |
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