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02-20-14  10:48am - 439 days #155
RagingBuddhist (65)
Active User



Posts: 841
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Originally Posted by Khan:


"A nurse is giving a sponge bath to a woman in a coma..."

^^^ That's fucked up. LOVED it! Arguing with some people is like trying to play chess with a pigeon - it knocks the pieces over, shits all over the board, then flies back to its flock to claim victory.

03-05-14  02:54pm - 425 days #156
Capn (28)
Active User



Posts: 1,706
Registered: Sep 05, '09
Location: Near the Beer!
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .....

She never got your E-mail!"

Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award
Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award
( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/
Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder!

03-14-14  03:29pm - 416 days #157
Capn (28)
Active User



Posts: 1,706
Registered: Sep 05, '09
Location: Near the Beer!
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home.

'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is
developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach
our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that
program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll
get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe
this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the
animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in
that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of
the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his
father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him
read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back
in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to
me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid
at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before
he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award
Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award
( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/
Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder!

07-24-14  10:57am - 285 days #158
Capn (28)
Active User



Posts: 1,706
Registered: Sep 05, '09
Location: Near the Beer!
Two priests decided to go on a Hawaiian vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing
anything that would identify them.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some
really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc ...

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and
the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came
walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good
Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and
addressing each of them individually, then she passed on
by .They were both stunned. How in the world did she
know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to
the store and bought even more outrageous outfits ..

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw
them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs
to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde,
wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came
walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said

Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk
away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a
minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do
you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,

Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen ... '

Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award
Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award
( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/
Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder!

07-25-14  05:31am - 284 days #159
graymane (33)
Active User



Posts: 1,394
Registered: Feb 20, '10
Location: Virginia
Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

08-07-14  10:00am - 271 days #160
Capn (28)
Active User



Posts: 1,706
Registered: Sep 05, '09
Location: Near the Beer!
On a train from London to Manchester to watch the cricket, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

You English are too stuffy.
You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us?
Look at me. . . I'm ME! . . .
I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood and some Aborigine blood.
What do you say to that?

The Englishman replied, Awfully sporting of your Mother, old chap!

Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award
Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award
( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/
Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder!

08-10-14  05:18pm - 267 days #161
Drooler (220)
Active User



Posts: 1,714
Registered: Mar 11, '07
Location: USA
A man walks into his backyard, where his wife is on her knees gardening. He says, "In the 10 years we've been married, your ass has really gotten big! I'll bet it's bigger than the grill!"

His wife says nothing and just keeps doing her gardening.

The man gets a tape measure and goes to the grill. Then he steps behind his wife with the tape measure, holding it around her ass. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Your ass is actually 2 inches wider than the grill!"

Again, the wife offers no reaction.

Later than evening, they're in bed. The husband is feeling frisky and starts putting the move on his wife. She says, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?" Ask your pornographer if it's right for you

12-31-14  05:08pm - 124 days #162
Capn (28)
Active User



Posts: 1,706
Registered: Sep 05, '09
Location: Near the Beer!
A man received the following text from his neighbour.

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess..
I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home – but
that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my
sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.”

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in, "Damn and blast all automatic spell checkers!" Sorry Bob, the second sentence should have said ‘your Wifi’."

Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award
Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award
( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/
Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder!

01-01-15  05:37am - 124 days #163
Drooler (220)
Active User



Posts: 1,714
Registered: Mar 11, '07
Location: USA
Originally Posted by Capn:


A man received the following text from his neighbour.

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess..
I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home – but
that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my
sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.”

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in, "Damn and blast all automatic spell checkers!" Sorry Bob, the second sentence should have said ‘your Wifi’."




Enjoyed it even more on the second reading. Ask your pornographer if it's right for you

02-21-15  06:50am - 73 days #164
pat362 (373)
Active User



Posts: 3,064
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
SEX ON MARS



The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.




They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.



Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.



Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.



'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.



The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'



A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another...





Maureen and the male Martian go off to a

Bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.




'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.



'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'



'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'



'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.



'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'



'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.



'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.



The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'



'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'



'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears..' Long live the Brown Coats.

02-21-15  06:54am - 73 days #165
pat362 (373)
Active User



Posts: 3,064
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
This one has to be seen...and heard.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WoM2bHfr48 Long live the Brown Coats.

02-21-15  07:18am - 73 days #166
pat362 (373)
Active User



Posts: 3,064
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
Here is what happens when great minds meet.



When Einstein met Chaplin he told him that what he most admired about his art is that Chaplin doesn't say and word and yet the entire world knows what he is saying.



Chaplin in return said that he is in bigger awe of Einstein because the entire world admires him even though no one understands what he is saying. Long live the Brown Coats.

03-18-15  03:01pm - 47 days #167
Capn (28)
Active User



Posts: 1,706
Registered: Sep 05, '09
Location: Near the Beer!
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.

No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: Well,......I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his widow

Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award
Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award
( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/
Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder!

03-31-15  03:59pm - 34 days #168
Drooler (220)
Active User



Posts: 1,714
Registered: Mar 11, '07
Location: USA
How do you know that a porn star is assertive?
She’ll take the splatter into her own hands. Ask your pornographer if it's right for you

04-03-15  06:45am - 32 days #169
pat362 (373)
Active User



Posts: 3,064
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit

jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the

rabbit jumps right in front of the car.


The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal

lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is

the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .


The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road
and pulls over.



She steps out of the car and asks the man
what's wrong.


"I feel terrible," ! he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car


and KILLED HIM."


The blonde says,"Don't worry."


She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.


The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the

two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves

again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet,
turns and waves, and repeats this again and again


and again and again, until he hops out of sight.


The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"

The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.
It says..





(Are you ready for this?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)






(Last chance)







(OK, here it is)






It says,






"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave." Long live the Brown Coats.

04-03-15  06:55am - 32 days #170
pat362 (373)
Active User



Posts: 3,064
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
I hope you try this little test and let me know what score you get.

http://www.age-test.com/1nsd2j

I scored 30 so technically I'm way younger inside than my actual age. Long live the Brown Coats.

04-03-15  07:09am - 32 days #171
pat362 (373)
Active User



Posts: 3,064
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.



After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he'd made it home safely.



Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!'



The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.



I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next movement could spell disaster.



My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.



I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.



The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"



A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest,"especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."



A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.



I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex. Long live the Brown Coats.

04-11-15  06:56am - 24 days #172
pat362 (373)
Active User



Posts: 3,064
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
You have to watch the video until the end. I can guarantee that you will piss yourself laughing.

http://safeshare.tv/w/sLtCVDmZnm Long live the Brown Coats.

04-11-15  03:04pm - 23 days #173
messmer (137)
Active User



Posts: 2,572
Registered: Sep 12, '07
Location: Canada
Originally Posted by pat362:


You have to watch the video until the end. I can guarantee that you will piss yourself laughing.

http://safeshare.tv/w/sLtCVDmZnm


Hilarious, Pat!

04-11-15  04:08pm - 23 days #174
Micha (1)
Active User

Posts: 307
Registered: Jul 04, '10
Location: san jose ca
I scored 18. My face has begun breaking out unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.

04-12-15  09:27am - 23 days #175
pat362 (373)
Active User



Posts: 3,064
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
Originally Posted by Micha:


I scored 18. My face has begun breaking out


You lucky dog. I wasn't able to get a score remotely close to that. Long live the Brown Coats.

04-12-15  09:33am - 23 days #176
pat362 (373)
Active User



Posts: 3,064
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
Originally Posted by messmer:


Hilarious, Pat!


All I hope is that she dropped his ass that very same day because that is one serious loser. My biggest issue with the guys isn't so much that he ignored her request multiple times but that he was having a long fucking conversation on a cellphone while he was with his girlfriend. I think if I was out with someone and they took out their cellphone and called or took a long call that wasn't an emergency then I would get up and leave and never bother talking to that person ever again. Long live the Brown Coats.

04-12-15  12:31pm - 23 days #177
Khan
PornUsers Staff




Posts: 1,695
Registered: Jan 05, '07
Location: USA
I saw a similar clip once only at the end, the girl turned to the stranger on her other side and kissed him. Boyfriend looked on shocked.

Fun clip though. Senior Administrator
PornUsers.com

"To obtain a man's opinion of you, make him mad."-Oliver Wendell Holmes

04-25-15  07:34am - 10 days #178
pat362 (373)
Active User



Posts: 3,064
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
Someone sent me this little question on moral dilemma.

You are driving along in your car on a wild stormy night. you pass by a bus stop where three people waiting for the bus:

1-An old lady who looks like she is about to die.

2-An old friend who once saved your life.

3-The perfect woman (or) man you have been dreaming about.


Which one would you offer a ride to knowing that you can only take one passenger?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once used as part of a job application.

You can pick the old lady because she could die so you should save her first. You can pick your old friend because he once saved your life and this is the perfect way to repay him. However you may never find your perfect dream lover again.

What did the person who got the job answer?????


The answer is actually quite simple. He said he would have given the keys to his old friend and told him to take the old lady to the hospital and he would have waited for the bus with the woman of his dream. Long live the Brown Coats.

04-25-15  07:34am - 10 days #179
pat362 (373)
Active User



Posts: 3,064
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
Dutch Treat.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/5748lK9HpOg Long live the Brown Coats.

04-25-15  07:35am - 10 days #180
pat362 (373)
Active User



Posts: 3,064
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
Born to create drama.

My favorite is number two.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=fv...Zh5B4f4bigA&NR=1 Long live the Brown Coats.

04-25-15  08:49am - 10 days #181
Khan
PornUsers Staff




Posts: 1,695
Registered: Jan 05, '07
Location: USA
Wow, those create drama ones are cold. Senior Administrator
PornUsers.com

"To obtain a man's opinion of you, make him mad."-Oliver Wendell Holmes

04-25-15  05:50pm - 9 days #182
pat362 (373)
Active User



Posts: 3,064
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
^The European humour is sometime like that. My theory is that having had two major wars fought in or around your Countries as well as having countless of your citizens involved in them has affected the way they look at many things.

A lot of their humour is often quite dark and it's so common to see the death of major characters on established shows that I am often ambivalent about watching a new show for fear that I will get too attached to a main character who will get bumped off the next season. Long live the Brown Coats.

04-26-15  12:12pm - 9 days #183
graymane (33)
Active User



Posts: 1,394
Registered: Feb 20, '10
Location: Virginia
Waiting for his busy doctor to come into the small examination room he was lead into by an assistant ... who would then get some advanced info from the patient to pass onto the doctor in order to facilitate his patient's needs.
The patient's need in this case was his inability to have a bowel movement .... long overdue, the constipated man laid down on the examination table, groaning with obvious discomfort and signaling a harried response to the assistant to either she or the doctor break away and administer an enema.
Excusing herself to immediately pass this on to the doctor, who was with another patient, the assistant was given instructions by the doctor to first clear all necessary protocol before doing what's next for the grumbling man .... who, upon the assistant's return to the patient's room kept pointing his finger at his rear and said to do something.
"Sir, began the assistant, 'unfortunately your insurance won't cover doing enemas.
"What the hell can you do then ", roared the angry patient as he rose up from the table.
"Well sir, responded the assistant ...... " can't do the enema, SO WHAT'YA SAY INSTEAD, I JUST SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!"

04-28-15  11:36am - 7 days #184
Micha (1)
Active User

Posts: 307
Registered: Jul 04, '10
Location: san jose ca
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork decided to give up practicing medicine. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, so he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the former gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly which was worth 50% of the total grade.

You then put the engine back together again perfectly, which is worth the second 50% of the grade."


After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe while the engine was running, which I've never before seen done. unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.

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