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02-20-14  10:48am - 401 days #155
RagingBuddhist (65)
Active User



Posts: 840
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Originally Posted by Khan:


"A nurse is giving a sponge bath to a woman in a coma..."

^^^ That's fucked up. LOVED it! Arguing with some people is like trying to play chess with a pigeon - it knocks the pieces over, shits all over the board, then flies back to its flock to claim victory.

03-05-14  02:54pm - 388 days #156
Capn (28)
Active User



Posts: 1,706
Registered: Sep 05, '09
Location: Near the Beer!
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .....

She never got your E-mail!"

Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award
Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award
( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/
Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder!

03-14-14  03:29pm - 379 days #157
Capn (28)
Active User



Posts: 1,706
Registered: Sep 05, '09
Location: Near the Beer!
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home.

'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is
developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach
our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that
program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll
get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe
this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the
animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in
that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of
the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his
father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him
read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back
in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to
me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid
at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before
he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award
Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award
( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/
Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder!

07-24-14  10:57am - 247 days #158
Capn (28)
Active User



Posts: 1,706
Registered: Sep 05, '09
Location: Near the Beer!
Two priests decided to go on a Hawaiian vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing
anything that would identify them.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some
really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc ...

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and
the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came
walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good
Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and
addressing each of them individually, then she passed on
by .They were both stunned. How in the world did she
know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to
the store and bought even more outrageous outfits ..

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw
them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs
to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde,
wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came
walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said

Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk
away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a
minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do
you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,

Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen ... '

Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award
Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award
( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/
Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder!

07-25-14  05:31am - 247 days #159
graymane (33)
Active User



Posts: 1,384
Registered: Feb 20, '10
Location: Virginia
Horse walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "So, why the long face?"

08-07-14  10:00am - 233 days #160
Capn (28)
Active User



Posts: 1,706
Registered: Sep 05, '09
Location: Near the Beer!
On a train from London to Manchester to watch the cricket, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

You English are too stuffy.
You set yourselves apart too much.
You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us?
Look at me. . . I'm ME! . . .
I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood and some Aborigine blood.
What do you say to that?

The Englishman replied, Awfully sporting of your Mother, old chap!

Cap'n. Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award
Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award
( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/
Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder!

08-10-14  05:18pm - 230 days #161
Drooler (220)
Active User



Posts: 1,706
Registered: Mar 11, '07
Location: USA
A man walks into his backyard, where his wife is on her knees gardening. He says, "In the 10 years we've been married, your ass has really gotten big! I'll bet it's bigger than the grill!"

His wife says nothing and just keeps doing her gardening.

The man gets a tape measure and goes to the grill. Then he steps behind his wife with the tape measure, holding it around her ass. "Wow!" he exclaims. "Your ass is actually 2 inches wider than the grill!"

Again, the wife offers no reaction.

Later than evening, they're in bed. The husband is feeling frisky and starts putting the move on his wife. She says, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?" Life didn't begin as a corporation.

12-31-14  05:08pm - 87 days #162
Capn (28)
Active User



Posts: 1,706
Registered: Sep 05, '09
Location: Near the Beer!
A man received the following text from his neighbour.

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess..
I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home – but
that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my
sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.”

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in, "Damn and blast all automatic spell checkers!" Sorry Bob, the second sentence should have said ‘your Wifi’."

Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award
Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award
( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/
Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder!

01-01-15  05:37am - 87 days #163
Drooler (220)
Active User



Posts: 1,706
Registered: Mar 11, '07
Location: USA
Originally Posted by Capn:


A man received the following text from his neighbour.

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess..
I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, I have probably been getting more than you. I do not get it at home – but
that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my
sincerest apology with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.”

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went directly into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in, "Damn and blast all automatic spell checkers!" Sorry Bob, the second sentence should have said ‘your Wifi’."




Enjoyed it even more on the second reading. Life didn't begin as a corporation.

02-21-15  06:50am - 35 days #164
pat362 (373)
Active User



Posts: 3,048
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
SEX ON MARS



The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.




They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.



Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.



Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.



'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.



The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'



A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another...





Maureen and the male Martian go off to a

Bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.




'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.



'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'



'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'



'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.



'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'



'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.



'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.



The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'



'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'



'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears..' Long live the Brown Coats.

02-21-15  06:54am - 35 days #165
pat362 (373)
Active User



Posts: 3,048
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
This one has to be seen...and heard.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9WoM2bHfr48 Long live the Brown Coats.

02-21-15  07:18am - 35 days #166
pat362 (373)
Active User



Posts: 3,048
Registered: Jan 23, '07
Location: canada
Here is what happens when great minds meet.



When Einstein met Chaplin he told him that what he most admired about his art is that Chaplin doesn't say and word and yet the entire world knows what he is saying.



Chaplin in return said that he is in bigger awe of Einstein because the entire world admires him even though no one understands what he is saying. Long live the Brown Coats.

03-18-15  03:01pm - 10 days #167
Capn (28)
Active User



Posts: 1,706
Registered: Sep 05, '09
Location: Near the Beer!
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.

No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: Well,......I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his widow

Admiral of the PU Hindenburg. 2009 PU Award
Hilarious Post of the Year 2010 PU Award
( I would have preferred it to be Helpful Post of the Year for Guys who Hate 'Retail Therapy' ) :0/
Sanity is in the eye of the Beholder!

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